Two weeks ago we talked about making an appointment to spend time with your spouse. Last week we talked about scheduling dates with your spouse. This week we talk about scheduling times for sex with your spouse.
Now I am not talking about making sex as mundane or routine as taking out the trash every Tuesday night. I’m talking about giving sex with your spouse the time and attention it deserves and needs.
Marital satisfaction is affected by sexual satisfaction. Most married couples know this instinctively, but still tend to resist scheduling times from sex. Here are some of the things I’ve heard from couples when it comes to scheduling times for sex…
“Sex should be spontaneous.” Scheduling times for sex does not mean you can’t be spontaneous in how you initiate sex, where you have sex, or how you have sex. The only thing that’s not spontaneous is when you have sex. That’s a small price to pay for making sex better.
“I don’t want sex to become routine.” Whether it’s frequency, positions or place…chances are sex is already somewhat routine for you. So if you’re going to have a routine, why not have a routine that works for both of you?
“We never had to schedule sex before.” When you were first married, you had more time and energy for sex, but the longer you’re married, the more demands you have on your time and energy; especially if you have kids. As time goes on, we tend to give those demands the better part of our time and energy, while sex tends to get our left-over time and energy…if there’s any left.
“We’ve tried to schedule times for sex and we couldn’t agree.” Spouses usually have different views and needs when it comes to sex, even if they aren’t scheduling it. But if you sit down to schedule it, it give you the opportunity to work toward finding common ground where each of you can get some of your needs met. Other wise, it winds up being a big guessing game with lots of hinting and hurt feelings.
“My spouse should have sex with me because they want to…not because it’s on a calendar.” Believe it or not, when spouses schedule times for sex, it’s because they want to have sex! We schedule doctors appointments, school meetings, and other things because we don’t want to miss them. The same is true for scheduling sex. We write things on our calendar because they’re important to us. The same is true for scheduling sex.
So how do you go about scheduling times for sex? Try following these steps…
- Get a calendar. It could be a calendar you hang somewhere you’ll both see, or it could be an electronic calendar that you share between the two of you.
- Decide how often the two of you want to have sex. I know…easier said than done. It’s a good chance you won’t agree on this. If that’s the case, (and it usually is) then take your number and their number and find the number in the middle. (If you wind up with a fraction…be creative.)
- Put your schedule on the calendar. First, look for the blank spots on your calendar. If there are none, then you’re calendar is too full and you’ve got to change that. Cancel something. Move something. Do whatever you have to to make this happen. Oh, and if you’re worried about someone seeing your calendar, create a code that only the two of you will recognize. Maybe something like “Cash the check,” or “Fill up the tank.”
- Keep your appointments. None of this will do any good if you don’t keep the appointments. If you treat these appointments like they’re not that important, you’re treating your spouse like they’re not that important. Not a good move.
There are benefits to scheduling times for sex…
- It gives you the opportunity to anticipate the experience. This can actually make the experience better, because you have the day to think about it and get ready for it.
- It helps you know when to economize your time and energy. Those are the times to order pizza rather than cook. Use paper plates and plastic cups rather than do dishes. You can skip the kid’s baths and put them to bed early. Get a quick catnap. Do whatever you need to do to be ready.
- It gives you time to plan something special rather than just another “hit and run” experience.
- It takes away frustration during those times when sex isn’t planned or happening, because you know “the check’s in the mail.”
It should go without saying that scheduling times for sex does not relieve either spouse of their responsibility to treat each other well outside of the bedroom. But this plan will improve your sex and your marriage. You may even find that you’re more prone to throw in a few unscheduled encounters. (It’s ok. I won’t tell.)
Try this as an experiment for a month. Then share your thoughts on how it went…good and not so good.
Copyright © 2015 Bret Legg